Most women at least once in their lives faced with male adultery. And those who argue that he did not encounter this unpleasant phenomenon, perhaps simply did not know about the fact of adultery. Thus, according to various studies, from 60% to 76% of men on condition of anonymity admit that they change or change their wives at least once. At the same time, only 26% to 40% of women admitted adultery to their spouses, which is almost half as much.
The question arises - why men change so often. For the answer, we decided to turn not to psychologists or family counselors, but to the men themselves. In several large male online communities, we initiated a discussion of this topical topic and, having interrogated the traitors with particular bias, forced them to tell the whole truth about the motives of their behavior.
After analyzing numerous answers and opinions, we identified five main reasons that make men look for sex on the side. And that's how they look.
The first reason: Congenital polygamy of men
In any case, so say the men themselves. We are males, they say. We are hunters. And throughout the animal world, males are always in search of new females for mating. Here we hunt because we are no different from other representatives of the animal world. We can not overcome their innate instincts, because nature itself has taken care that the breeding instinct was stronger than intelligence. All for reproduction and procreation.
As we can see, in this case, men act as if as hostages. And even as victims who cannot withstand certain circumstances beyond their control. But it seems they are not too hard and try, but they are quite happy with the situation itself. And because voiced the second reason pushing them on the path of treason.
Reason Two: Love for sex and the desire for diversity in it.
Yes, just like that. We love sex - they say men. But as a favorite food, no matter how delicious it is - you will not eat constantly, and with one woman you do not want to have sex all the time. The pursuit of diversity, the search for something new is a natural positive process. But self-restraint, on the contrary, makes life boring and not interesting. Therefore, false morality should not be an obstacle to the enjoyment of life. At the same time, we should not forget - they add that our life is one and it is very short. And therefore you need to strive to get from it all that is possible.
Reason Three: Relationship and Sexual Problems
Those men who are not in a hurry to compare themselves with "other representatives of the animal world" and do not seek to "take everything from this life", nevertheless claim that the wives themselves force them to change by restricting sex or depriving any intimate joys. Most often this is due to the general cooling of family relationships that occurs with a long life together. But sometimes the cause is sexual incompatibility. For example, a wife refuses certain sexual games or caresses that a man dreams of. Being deprived of this pleasure in the family bed, he begins to purposefully look for him on the side. And, as a rule, it finds.
Reason Four: Spontaneous Unplanned Sex "On the Side"
Yes, sometimes it happens. Corporate parties, parties with friends, holiday romance, excessive drinking - all this sometimes leads to casual sex, after which in the morning there is a feeling of bewilderment and remorse. Formally, men even refuse to consider such sex a betrayal. “After all, this is unintended sex, and therefore it does not count!” They exclaim, turning to legal terms.
Reason Five: Victims of seduction.
Yes, yes, it happens. Such situations differ from spontaneous sex in that in this case, sex is the result of planned actions by some seductress, whom it was “absolutely impossible” to resist. So in any case, men say. Anyway, men are in this case nothing but victims of circumstances.
So what we have. The image of strong men capable of commanding the world and their fate somewhat faded. He entered another image of men as weak, weak-willed toys in the hands of all kinds of "forces" and "circumstances." It would be a good time even to regret them, but the pity of the matter cannot be corrected. And therefore we asked these potential traitors directly to the head:
How should a woman behave whom a man would not change.
After a bit of thought and discussion on this topic, the men agreed that with harmonious family relationships and diversity in bed, betrayal in principle becomes devoid of any meaning. They aren't looking for good from the good - they say. But they add that sex life in this case should be really rich and diverse and ... in this respect, some men are waiting for women's initiative. For three years of relations, - one of the respondents admitted, - I had only one intimate surprise, and I want more, - he sighed. And many agreed with him.
Men's treason: to forgive or not to forgive?
"Physical treason is only a consequence of spiritual treason. For people who gave love to each other have no right to lie."
"Magus" by John Robert Fowles
For most women, one of the worst words that can negatively affect a relationship with a loved one is the word “treason”. We are very afraid of her, even without having any weighty reasons for concern (well, just in case). And if, suddenly, there are any hints or suspicions, then ... And it all depends on the temperament and character of each particular woman: one immediately starts to sort things out with scandal, the other - to conduct a secret investigation (checking pockets, sms on phones, and etc., etc.), the third one becomes depressed and starts blaming himself for everything.
But it is clear that for all the betrayal of a loved one will mean almost the end of the world. This is because women and men perceive treason in different ways. So say the omniscient psychologists. For a woman, male adultery means treachery, not only physical, but also spiritual. And for men, it could be a meaningless episode about which he forgets the very next day, without even remembering the name of the partner in adultery. As all psychologists say, “a man for sex does not look for a better woman than his wife. Almost anyone will do it, he is not going to marry her. Let her character be worse or she cannot cook. For a man, it doesn’t have values. He is important that it is easily accessible, and all. "
Of course, it was written by male psychologists who are trying to reassure us, women, who fall into a panic on such a "non-essential" issue. But something is still easier from their scientific justification does not become, and concern about the possible male adultery is not reduced.
Especially for this article, a survey was conducted, including on our website, where the readers said what they would do if they found indirect and direct evidence indicating that her husband had been cheating. The questions were as follows:
Question 1: How will you behave, suspecting your man (husband) of treason on indirect grounds (for example, the smell of women's perfume on clothes)?
Question 2: How will you behave, directly catching her husband in treason (on the denunciation of friends or reading love correspondence)?
Larisa 31 years old, housewife:
If there are suspicions on indirect signs, I will quietly and peacefully find out everything. And if I already see something obvious or read the letter, I will ask directly, and then I will meet my mistress. I will not pull the hair, first I will be friends, and then I will intelligently say a few gentle words. I now for certain cannot tell, what exactly will occur, but somehow so. And then - it is curious why she, not me.
Aida, 32, housewife:
Probably, nevertheless, I will arrange an open interrogation with a scandal in both cases, such is the nature. But, later, I will try to find my fault.
Oksana 32 years old, administrator:
I don’t want to think about betraying a husband until I get direct evidence. And if you just suspect - a divorce and maiden name. Direct evidence? My own confesses if you ask him. He does not know how to lie, his eyes immediately give out. If a person is able to betray once, then there will be no 100% confidence in him. And living all the time in doubt is not in my spirit.
Alina is 30 years old, an architect:
If I start to suspect something - he will never know about it, I just think I will be more attentive to trifles, I will not make trouble, I will not interrogate, I will not climb in personal things and look for clues - this can cause the roof to go ... I will become more attentive to his behavior - I intuitively think that any woman, without questioning, can understand whether there was a betrayal or not. If I convict him of treason - it seems to me that I don’t even have a desire to learn - and why? In no case will I want to know who she is, so that her image would not pursue me for the rest of her life. To pretend that there was nothing - I can NEVER go in one bed, it will seem to me that it is dirty. I think simply - that I’ll collect things myself and leave, there will surely be emotions, tears, but I will try to do it beautifully, not to fall into the dirt with my face and keep respect for myself. Pah-pah-pah ...
Angelica 23 years old, accountant:
If I first smell the smell of perfume, then I will not pay attention. The smell of perfume is not treason. If this happens again, I will talk to him very seriously. I will never forgive you. For me, this is considered a betrayal, it is impossible to live with a person without trust, not believing in his words, to constantly think that he is on the other now and that she is better than you, since he changes you with her, to look for any lead that he changed again ... This very hard and not pleasant, it is better to immediately disperse. I will not humiliate myself before the scandal, I will just collect my things and leave.
Anna 29 years old housewife:
First, a wild scandal awakens, and then - parting forever and irrevocably! And if the girl-girlfriend turns out to be my friend - she, too, will not say hello! And I will continue to live with peace of mind, but without these people.
Julia 31 years old, economist:
Having convicted my husband of treason, I was not satisfied with scandals and surveillance, since my husband and I worked in the same organization. As it turned out, we had a lot of work with her friend, but this did not affect our relationship, at least she did not make any complaints to her. I made it easier: I began to respond to the attention signs of my boss, who by status at work is higher than my husband. I think this is a defining moment, if the storekeeper or the driver were what, there would be no such effect. I went to restaurants during working hours with him, and since our city is small, my husband quickly reported everything. My husband gave me a scene of jealousy, to which I said to him: you end up with your mistress, I end up with yours. It was all half a year. They even fought. It ended with the fact that we both quit that job. And now we are working with him again in the same organization. We can say the crisis has passed, and we have our honeymoon again!
Lily, 32, housewife:
If I could smell the perfume of women, I would probably ask why it smells of perfume. Of course, he would otmazalsya - one hundred percent. I would not pay attention, but I would try to find out secretly. Maybe he chose perfume for me and inadvertently spat on himself, and here I am with my scandal. If someone approaches me and says that my husband is cheating on me, I personally will not believe until I see for myself. Who knows what goals he or she has? Even if this is true, maybe I would forgive and just find out the reason why he changed.
Valeria, 33, psychologist:
I will not pay attention and get worse. Find out the reason for his action, but we'll see.
Elena 40 years old, teacher:
My current husband is a show business employee, so we just live in all these indirect signs of treason. We have been together for 14 years now, rumors in the professional environment have “bred” us for all the time 50 times. For a long time, there was a lot of things in our life. And even if you do not want to know something, everyone will tell and show. There are always many who wish. But we love each other, and we want to be together. So we will. Because there were plenty of reasons not to be around!
But the responses of readers of the site:
Green:
I caught him cheating a couple of months ago. The scandal was serious, but I forgave, I love too much. But at that time she was ready to pack up and leave. Now I try to forget. And if it happens again, I do not even know. I don't want to think about it ...
Nastyusha, 20 years old:
1. I won't tell him anything until I know everything myself.
2. First of all I pull it up, and then I will take it too! To discourage it.
Deva, 35 years:
I would drink a glass of champagne with a new “relative” because her lover cheats on her with me nightly. Milo threw her out the door ... He was given the opportunity to speak, allowed him to crawl at my feet, and so on, which is usually attached to the complex when my husband is caught. After a certain time I conducted an analysis of our relations, made conclusions .... Further, I do not know, because I would no longer see myself in sex with him personally.
Attiuha:
Quietly, I will calmly find out why he decided on such an act, since in most cases the woman herself is to be blamed for the betrayal of a loved one. Upon learning, I will correct the situation in my favor. Scandal to do - to harm yourself. This grief does not help ... So it would be logical to do, although you can behave differently on emotions.
Anyuta2011:
I will not fall into a panic - that's for sure. I will look at his behavior, whether there will be similar indirect signs. And if it smells fried, then I’ll just ask him directly. Hysterics will not roll. If I catch in a cafe or in a public place, then I will not sort things out in public - I will postpone it to the house. I know one thing - and in one and in the other case, there will be long difficult conversations and, most likely, a break in relations (although I wouldn’t say so categorically right here).
Lökaczka, 20 years old:
In the first case, I will observe the behavior of my man. In the second case there will be a conversation in which I will say everything I think, collect his things and ask to get out of the house. And to beat a mistress is stupid, because I know perfectly well that since I can seduce my husband, she can never !!!
All the same tireless psychologists even conducted a study in which they found out how a woman’s age affects her attitude to male treason. It turned out that the older a woman is, the calmer and more rational she is about the campaign "to the left" of her chosen one, and the wiser her view of life in general and of a man in particular.
When I was 20 years old, I somehow argued with my mother about how to behave, after catching her husband with treason. Then, I remember, blazing with righteous indignation, I declared that I would not tolerate betrayal. If he can do this to me (I hypothetically argued about her future husband), then let him roll on all four sides. Forgive, I can never! Mom objected very gently to this, but I don’t remember exactly what she said. I heard only myself at that moment. The only thing that I remembered is: "One must be able to forgive, although it is very difficult. But it is better, of course, not to know anything."
Since then, more than 10 years have passed and now I am no longer so sure of my former categorical nature, and my mother’s words are increasingly forcing to reconsider my life position. But one question still does not cease to bother me: why some representatives of the stronger sex go on about the call of the flesh, without particularly thinking about the consequences, while other men (real ones, in my opinion) remain faithful to the one and only beloved, despite their monogamous nature.
With this question, I stuck to my husband (he is a psychologist, so I was interested in his professional point of view). He replied that everything depends on a person’s conscience, whether he would allow himself to cross the line or not."And respect is very important, if you respect your beloved, you will not want to hurt her."
After these words, I completely calmed down and decided this way: let's piously believe that:
1) we got very conscientious and sincerely respecting husbands.
2) you and I are wise beyond the age of women who can forgive.
3) it’s better, of course, not to know anything ... (see point 1)
Comments
