All fairy tales end in the most interesting place: a declaration of love, then they got married and lived happily ever after. But how exactly they lived, they can’t tell tales anymore, because after the wedding begins ... But what begins is that each couple decides for herself and writes the story of her family herself.
Someone is trying to independently solve the problems that arise in marriage, someone is turning to friends and acquaintances for advice, someone is studying books on family relationships. Specialists - family psychologists who come to the aid of this issue come to the conclusion that a successful love union is based on three criteria:
The main thing is, of course, love. Husband and wife need each other's love and give each other this love.
Love only gets stronger over the years
Olga 31 years old, housewife:
We have been married for 11 years, and 15 years, both together. Our love just got stronger over the years. Previously, there were some disagreements, while we were rubbing against each other, building life, raising children. Now the children have grown up, my husband and I each have their own obligations to each other. Everything is solved easily and easily. Nothing special is being done for this; we simply value, love and passionately want each other. As a result, everyone is happy and happy ...
Elena 29 years old, teacher:
Married for almost 3 years! We have always had a beautiful love and every year it only gets stronger. I’m not doing anything on purpose, maybe growing up! It’s just that when you overcome and go through some difficult or joyful moments in life, feelings only get stronger!
Svetlana 33 years old, manager:
“We’ve known Vadik since 10, we had a rest together in the country every summer. Then friendship flowed smoothly into love, we were even called "husband and wife." True, I was always the initiator, and Vadik allowed himself to be loved. Although he regularly visited me on Saturdays and called once a week. After all, I’m an emotional person, I wanted a storm of emotions and fireworks of feelings. But he’s calm as a boa constrictor and you won’t break it with anything. He didn’t even arrange jealousy scenes. I tried to stir him up for a long time, then spat and said that I was leaving ... He tried to return me three times, he came, persuaded me, and poured declarations of love. But I was adamant. After some time, I met a man who was very actively expressing his desires towards me. As a result, caught up in a whirlwind of emotions, I married him. With my husband, I lived by the type of being hardened, falling in love. No, he is a good man, but we are completely different. He is a country boy who believes that women are not worthy of respect, and he treated me accordingly. He even convinced me to go live in the village with his mother. I endured everything, but I began to think about a divorce. True, the idea of staying with two children was not very warm. But it so happened that after 9 years I again met with Vadik and realized that my whole previous life had ended. We told each other ALL for all the years of separation. It turns out in all the women that he had at least some dash from me. We quarreled and reconciled. In three weeks he managed to convince me to get a divorce. "I do not want you to be my lover, you are mine." Then there were difficult explanations with her husband, and the pressure of his relatives. But then Vadik took the gazelle and one day took all our things. And most importantly, my eldest son Kolya fully supported me. In separation, we have learned to value what we have. This probably is the meaning of love. Now we have the motto - not for that, I have been waiting for you (a) for so long and hoping (al) to destroy everything now because of a trifle. We have been together for 3 years. At the beginning, for about a year, we gnawed at each other over trifles, but now the real construction of the family is just beginning. It was very hard for me, she was jealous of everything, but it was impossible to show. And the way of life has changed dramatically. Before, I had to be a gray mouse, not to paint and wear only a long one, and now I should be a successful and confident woman. ”
In second place is the similarity of the spouses. In a harmonious family, husband and wife have similar outlooks on life, the same hobbies and hobbies, tastes and preferences, etc., they even look alike.
Love requires attention
Lily 32 years old, housewife:
Sometimes it happens that a feeling of love flashes brightly as in the first year of marriage. I would like romance, repeat the candy and bouquet period. What am I doing to keep the feeling? Make him jealous. By the way, this works. My husband must have gotten this kind of one that for 11 years of marriage somehow didn’t bother each other. Maybe we just got used to each other. In general, he cannot live without me, he says that he is not bored with me.
Margarita 32 years old, civil servant:
Married 10 years. In my opinion, nothing has gone since then. Communication experience has come. I know what he needs and vice versa. We often go to the mountains, we have common interests, and most importantly, a variety of personal relationships (even a change of scenery has a positive effect on relationships). I have a difference with my husband 13 years. I left at 22 years old - consciously. In marriage, the main thing is respect, tolerance and a little compromise. At an age you begin to understand this. I'm not saying that my spouse is perfect, but he understands that I am the best for him!
Nothing stands still, over the years we are changing, our desires and goals are changing. The quality of love is changing, so to speak. And here is the third important rule - it is important to help grow your love, to improve both it and yourself. Love is not only looking in one direction, but also moving together towards a common goal.
Elena 34 years old, housewife:
My husband is my first love, and for almost 16 years of marriage my feelings have not changed in any way, as I loved, I love. Circumstances change, something suits me or not - I still love. Fear has gone, confidence has appeared. I think that I and he were lucky, we value each other. And when the husband and wife change, but only in different directions, then everything becomes less common and uniting them.
Svetlana 32 years old, choreographer:
Over the years, passion goes away, but understanding, respect, affection! To preserve love in marriage, I did a lot, forgave everything and waited ... We were together 12 years, and divorced six months ago ... The main reason for what happened was that we became different, and this immediately left warmth and respect. Something important has disappeared !!!
Lyudmila 45 years old, assistant in the household:
I got married, because it was necessary - all the girlfriends went out, well, I have to go. That is, there were no beautiful declarations of love. There was never love for her husband and love, there was respect. And now it is gone. We stay together out of habit, and the apartment is shared, still a son ... I don’t know, I’m already used to it, although sometimes it annoys me. We have become different. He could not change, adapt to modern conditions, live in the past. My husband became like the eldest son.
Most of the problems that arise between two loving people, according to psychologists - from the inability to properly love. But how should one love correctly? Experts in this regard are ready to share their tips.
First of all, you can’t suppress emotions in yourself, you must frankly express everything that has boiled and pent up. You can’t suppress anything, psychologists say. Your suppressed emotion will still come out, but through your husband. For example, you are angry about something at your husband, but try to suppress your anger and not show it. In order not to engage in quarrels and maintain harmony in the family, you think. But then, suddenly your husband begins to get angry, with which, it would seem, from scratch. The same thing happens when the husband tries to suppress his anger, but then you already begin to "boil." The law of physics on communicating vessels also applies in relations between spouses. So, you need to speak frankly with each other, sometimes, if you really can not afford it, get angry, let off steam and the stress passes.
Elena 32 years old, housewife:
Together we are almost 9 years old. Love didn’t go anywhere, and nothing really changed during this time. It is necessary to respect, appreciate and love yourself and your interests, then the husband will appreciate, love and respect. In our family, everyone says what he thinks without a hitch. A frank conversation helps a lot, there is no misunderstanding and some offenses.
Ekaterina 30 years old, local doctor:
In the summer there will be 8 years since we are married. Of course, the bouquet and candy period has gone. Like everyone, however. Some kind of romance has gone, and where is it now ... Cynicism, if I may say so, has appeared - this is when you communicate bluntly, and, of course, you already know each other very well. In any case, better than others (completely 100% no one will recognize anyone, and this is useless).
The world-renowned specialist on the problems of relations between men and women, Barbara de Angelis claims that it is not enough to pour out only the accumulated anger. When a person is upset or very upset, according to Barbara, he experiences a whole gamut of emotions that “lay” on top of each other as if in layers. These emotions are divided into 5 groups. And anger is just the tip of the iceberg.
The first human reaction is anger. We are angry and looking for the guilty
Then resentment comes. We are bitter and we are disappointed
Fear hides under the grudge. We are not confident in ourselves: our attractiveness, significance, intelligence ...
Remorse lies even deeper. We begin to regret the deed.
At the very bottom of the iceberg of emotions of tension is love. It is she who gives us tolerance and the power to forgive.
The tension between two loving people will disappear only when they gradually go through all layers of emotions, until, finally, they reach love. You cannot immediately “jump” into love, otherwise the relationship will not be fully clarified, and resentment and tension will accumulate in the soul. You need to be courageous to honestly show your loved one (and sometimes yourself) all your true feelings. Lack of candor can gradually kill love. “If in a love relationship you don’t tell the partner the whole truth, passion dies,” says Barbara de Angelis in her book “Secrets of Family Happiness.” “After all, passion is the fruit of intense feelings. By suppressing the truth, you muffle your ability to feel, and when a person ceases to feel, he ceases to love. "
Another connoisseur of interpersonal relationships, Gary Chapman in his book "Five Languages of Love" advises spouses to learn how to communicate with each other in the language of love. All of these "languages of love" 5.
The first “language of love” is compliments and words of approval. Do not be afraid to grab your loved one, he will appreciate it and will try to keep himself "on the level" to match your praises.
"Beloved, this tie suits you like that!"
"Dear, how good it is that you washed the dishes! I am so pleased, thank you!"
"Honey, you are the best father in the world! You play so well with the kids!"
Anna 31 years old, housewife:
“Of course, now, after 5 years of marriage, it’s not what it was before, when they melted from each other’s eyes. Love-passion passed, love-friendship appeared. I used to love and did not see any flaws. Now I see the flaws, but still love. Moreover, when you look at other people's husbands, you compare and understand - your own, albeit with flaws, but it’s better than him anyway! ”
The second "language of love" is "quality time." This refers to the fact that at least 15-20 minutes a day should be given to each other all their attention. And do not just sit next to stare at the TV, namely to communicate so that nothing extraneous (computer, phone, newspaper, football match) would interfere or distract. You can do something together, and involving children, this will unite the whole family: joint games, going to the park or a movie, just reading an interesting book ...
Aida 32 years old, housewife:
“I’ve been married for 7 years, but real feelings came only after three years of marriage, and every year they only grow stronger. The reproaches and misunderstandings were gone, a compromise and trust appeared. We have a very boring life, full of completely different emotions (mostly positive). I can’t call it a habit, it is a real feeling, conscious. You can say in a relationship and a true first love was born. In order to save her, I just believe in my husband, appreciate him, and, of course, love him. ”
The third "language of love" is gifts. They do not have to be expensive, because attention is important. You made a present to your beloved, which means you are thinking about him, deciding what he might like.
The fourth is "service by works." It is through our actions that we show love for our soul mate. He loves borscht, which means that he should be spoiled more often with this dish. He is pleased when the house is clean and comfortable - you need to create it. Do not just forget about yourself, because you can ask your husband to help you with cleaning, cooking or other housework. The main thing is to say that he will help you out very much by this and that his help is simply necessary for you.
Larisa 31 years old, economist:
“Over the 5 years of marriage, our love has only become stronger. Irritability has gone due to the absence of her husband - either in billiards, then on the hunt, then on the fishing ... And even more respect has come. I do everything in order to preserve our love: I try to be a good wife, girlfriend, mother for my daughter. The husband appreciates this. ”
Last on the list, but not in importance, is the fifth language of love - “physical touch”. It is very important to feel the touch of a loved one, hug him, casually touch, hold hands ...
Different people use these 5 languages of love in different ways. Someone is content with one, someone needs all five. But more often for spouses in communication with each other, one “language of love” becomes priority, and the rest are additional. If you determine which "languages of love" are close to you and your loved one, and will communicate in them, then, according to Gary Chapman, in your family will come complete harmony.
In general, in my opinion, there are no exact recipes for happiness and love in marriage. Even expert advice is advisory in nature. And only we ourselves can build harmonious relationships with our loved ones. We can make mistakes and be right, follow the command of the heart and calculate everything with a “cold” mind, we can be offended and forgive, angry and happy, sad and laugh. But be sure to love! And be sure - together!
I want to end the article with the words of the famous guru and mystic Oshsho: “Marriage is an amazing opportunity to grow into love. Nothing can destroy love. If it is, it will continue to grow.”
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