At the root of the word “apologize” lies the word “fault”. Guilt is a non-constructive feeling, a non-constructive emotion that does not bring anything good and positive either to us or to the person to whom we admit our guilt.
Where does a person desire to apologize
Since childhood, we are accustomed to apologize. When we understand that we did something unpleasant to someone, we quickly apologize. But let's think about what this action really is.
We ourselves experience unpleasant feelings, guilt when we try to apologize. The person to whom we did the unpleasant feels like a victim, even though our apology raises him a notch higher than us.
If this is a person of a higher level of awareness, he also feels unpleasant, because he understands that our fault, most likely, was not in this, and everyone can make a mistake.
As you see, no bonus, no plus, no side receives thanks to these apologies.
Constructive replacement for apologies
So what needs to be done to really change the situation radically, so that each side gets positive points?
First, it’s worthwhile to approach and acknowledge the feelings of another person, recognize the responsibility for their actions. You must say that at some point your actions were unconscious, or you did not understand what the consequences would be.
But, again, every person can make a mistake, and it’s important to recognize that you understand the feelings of another person because of your actions.
Tell him: "I understand how painful you are, I understand that my actions upset you, I understand that I acted incorrectly."
Next ask: "What can I do for you now?"
It is clear that if it is possible to eliminate the consequences of their actions, then they need to be eliminated. Maybe somehow pay or restore - it all depends on the situation. But if nothing can already be fixed, ask what you can do for him. This may be an action in some other area that is not at all related to this event.
And the important thing is that you keep a balance. You have done harm to this man, and now you will do him good.
And the action should benefit him. Because we often believe that we are acting for the good of others, not understanding what their good is. So it’s very important to ask what you can do for him at the moment.
Each of you will remain in a more satisfied and positive state than if you simply apologized. We wish you to prevent such situations. But since everything is possible in life, we recommend replacing apologies with more productive and effective actions for the benefit of both parties.
